"People wither under complaints and criticism whereas people thrive and grow through praise and encouragement."

I'll never forget the moment I realised I'd been getting feedback completely wrong.

I was working with a talented manager who'd been struggling with her team's performance. In our coaching session, she showed me the feedback she'd been giving them - detailed, accurate, and utterly demoralising.

"I'm just being honest," she said. "They need to know what they're doing wrong."

The problem wasn't that she was wrong about the issues. The problem was that her approach was killing any chance of improvement.

The Feedback Trap

"Our anger rarely produces the behaviour change in others we desire."

Here's what I've learned after decades of working with people: criticism might identify problems, but it rarely solves them. In fact, it often makes things worse.

Think about the last time someone gave you harsh feedback. Did it make you want to improve, or did it make you want to defend yourself? Most of us shut down when we feel attacked, even when the criticism is valid.

I remember working with a sales team where the manager's favourite phrase was "That's not good enough." He wasn't wrong - their results weren't good enough. But after six months of this approach, morale was rock bottom and performance was getting worse, not better.

The Neuroscience of Feedback

"Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires."

There's actual science behind why criticism doesn't work. When we feel threatened, our brains switch into defensive mode. The prefrontal cortex - the part responsible for learning and problem-solving - basically goes offline.

It's like trying to teach someone to drive while they're being chased by a tiger. They're not going to absorb much about clutch control when they're in survival mode.

The most effective feedback creates psychological safety, not psychological threat. When people feel safe, they can actually hear what you're saying and do something about it.

The Power of Encouragement

"Use your words to strengthen, comfort and inspire others."

I worked with a manufacturing company where the production manager completely transformed his approach to feedback. Instead of pointing out what was wrong, he started highlighting what was right.

"I noticed you handled that quality issue brilliantly yesterday," he'd say. "The way you spotted the problem early saved us hours of rework. Can you walk me through your thinking?"

Within three months, quality incidents had dropped by 40%. Same team, same processes, different approach to feedback.

The Sandwich Myth

"Delivery and intent come before content."

You've probably heard of the feedback sandwich - positive comment, criticism, positive comment. It's rubbish. People see right through it.

What matters isn't the structure of your feedback - it's the intent behind it. Are you trying to help someone improve, or are you trying to make yourself feel better by pointing out their mistakes?

I remember a client telling me about a manager who'd say "You're doing great, but..." and everyone knew that whatever came after the "but" was what he really meant. The praise felt hollow because it wasn't genuine.

The Growth Conversation

"The better questions we ask the better answers we get."

Instead of telling people what they're doing wrong, try asking them what they think could be improved. Instead of giving solutions, ask them what they'd do differently next time.

I worked with a team leader who transformed his weekly reviews by changing one simple thing. Instead of saying "Here's what you need to fix," he started asking "What do you think went well this week, and what would you do differently?"

The shift was remarkable. People started coming to him with problems instead of hiding them. They began suggesting improvements instead of waiting for instructions.

The Timing Factor

"Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slower to get angry."

When you give feedback matters as much as how you give it. Catching someone in the moment when they're frustrated or stressed is like trying to plant seeds in frozen ground.

I learned this the hard way early in my career. I'd see a problem and immediately jump in to address it. Half the time, the person wasn't ready to hear it, and my well-intentioned feedback just made things worse.

Now I ask myself: "Is this person in a state where they can actually use this feedback?" If not, I wait for a better moment.

Making It Practical

So how do you shift from criticism to growth?

Start with curiosity, not judgment. Instead of "You handled that badly," try "Help me understand what happened there."

Focus on the future, not the past. Instead of "You made a mistake," try "What would you do differently next time?"

Be specific about behaviour, not personality. Instead of "You're disorganised," try "I noticed the report was late - what got in the way?"

Ask for their perspective first. Most people know when they've made a mistake. Give them a chance to acknowledge it before you pile on.

The Compound Effect

"Your words can do lasting damage or lasting good, and that should concern you."

Here's the thing about feedback - it compounds. Every interaction either builds someone up or tears them down. Over time, this creates the culture of your team or organisation.

I've seen teams where people are afraid to try anything new because they know they'll be criticised if it doesn't work perfectly. I've also seen teams where people take risks, experiment, and grow because they know they'll be supported even when things go wrong.

The difference isn't the quality of the people - it's the quality of the feedback they receive.

The companies that thrive in the next decade won't be the ones that are best at pointing out problems - they'll be the ones that are best at helping people solve them.

Ready to transform your feedback culture? Our leadership development programmes help managers learn how to give feedback that actually works. Because the best leaders don't just identify problems - they help people grow through them.